Funny Christmas Poems

I hope you enjoy this collection of funny Christmas poems ranging from spoofs on 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer to a hilarious poem from Two and a Half Men.

Enjoy these funny Christmas poems!

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A Christmas Poem

Bulldog Wearing...
Larry Williams
Buy This at Allposters.com

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow
Buttered rum and mistletoe
Christmas trees and hanging lights
The sound of carolers fills the night

Shopping hours long and hard
Visa phones and cancels card
Unpaid bills and mounting debts
Family gathers; depressions sets

Drinking starts, harsh words are said
Dysfunction rears its yuletide head
Argument turns to shovin'
Drunken brother punches cousin
Tree tips over, popping lights
Curtains catch, house ignites

No one hears the reindeer cries
Wedged in chimney, Santa dies
Though he kicked and did perspire
His chestnuts roasted on an open fire

~ Paul Gilmartin

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A Politically Correct Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth."

~ Unknown Author

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Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

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Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog
And we'd begged her not to go
But she'd left her medication
So she stumbled out the door into the snow

When they found her Christmas mornin'
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now were all so proud of Grandpa
He's been takin' this so well
See him in there watchin' football
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle

It's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And a blue and silver candle
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig

I've warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!

~ Randy Brooks

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Harper Christmas Newsletter

Enjoy this video clip and funny Christmas poem from Two and a Half Men.

Harper Christmas Newsletter

As this wonderful year draws to an end,
I send this note to family and friend.
So thankful are we for blessings galore.
Like Charlie's fiancée, a lady, not a whore.

And young master Jake is growing like a weed.
He makes us all proud, not a waste of my seed.
He tried his darnedest in every class.
And made tenth grade by the skin of his ass.

And our sweet mother Evelyn had a small operation.
Her secret garden needed rejuvenation.

And what about the author of this christmas poem?
He's healthy and happy in his beautiful home.
While some might argue that he's just a leech
It bothers him not, he lives at the beach.

Happy holidays from the happy Harpers.

~ Alan Harper, Two and a Half Men TV Show

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I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" is a Christmas novelty song written by John Rox (1902–1957 and performed by Gayla Peevey (10 years old at the time) in 1953.

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I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamusesAnd hippopotamuses like me too

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage
I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

~ John Rox

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Twas athe Week Before Christmas

A Christmas Poem for Teachers

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school,The teachers were trying to just keep their cool!Their papers aren’t finished, they don’t want to workBut when I try to make them, I feel like a jerk!

I’m tired, I’m cranky these kids have it comingBut I stop and think, what a Scrooge I’m becoming!

So I tune out their chatter and I try to enjoyThe last days before Christmas with each girl and boy

They are so excited, and buzz with holiday cheerAn then homemade presents begin to appear

Be-glittered and fashioned with craft sticks and glueAnd of course there’s a “Best Teacher” mug… or two

The last day, they come as candy crazed creaturesBut then it’s TWO WEEKS of break…

I love being a teacher!

~ Amy Oelschlag

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