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Funny Quotes
Be prepared to laugh. Funny quotes are great as an icebreaker in a speech. Funny Quotes Index
About Life
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp. When you assume, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more. It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Indecision is the key to flexibility. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness. There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy. Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. People who know how to employ themselves, always find leisure moments, while those who do nothing are forever in a hurry. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Accountants / AccountingWhen I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'. The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. Return to Index of Funny Quotes What is Two and Two? A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant, "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. The second applicant was an engineer. The next person was a lawyer. The last applicant was an accountant. He got the job.
Return to Index of Funny Quotes Advertising / MarketingAdvertising is legalized lying. Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it. It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have. Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency; she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse. In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV. The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. It used to be that people needed products to survive. Now products need people to survive. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Never write an advertisement which you wouldn't want your family to read. You wouldn't tell lies to your own wife. Don't tell them to mine. Advertising is an environmental striptease for a world of abundance. You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. When a man throws an empty cigarette package from an automobile, he is liable to a fine of $50. When a man throws a billboard across a view, he is richly rewarded. Our society's values are being corrupted by advertising's insistence on the equation: Youth equals popularity, popularity equals success, success equals happiness. Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half truths. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Business / Work / Office HumorBy working faithfully 8 hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges. In this business it takes time to be really good, and by that time you're obsolete. Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. Arguing with your boss is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time you will realize that you are getting dirty and the pig is enjoying it. Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. Return to Index of Funny Quotes A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. A company is known by the people it keeps. If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. Return to Index of Funny Quotes A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. If at first you don’t succeed, try management. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job. Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train. A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. Return to Index of Funny Quotes I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege. In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything. Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity. Return to Index of Funny Quotes The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart. How many people on their deathbed wish they'd spent more time at the office? We don't have a monopoly. We have market share. There's a difference. Return to Index of Funny Quotes I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. My son is now an "entrepreneur." That's what you're called when you don't have a job. Show me a man who is a good looser and I'll show a man who is playing golf with his boss. The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skills. Key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. Return to Index of Funny Quotes If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have job if he was any smarter. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that world word would be 'meetings'. The person who knows how will always have job. The person who knows WHY will always be his boss. A good boss is a person who can tolerate my complaints and still manage to say hello to me every day. Ability is what will get you to the top, if the boss has no daughter. Don't blame the boss. He has enough problems. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Doctors / Psychiatrists / Health MattersI know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? Return to Index of Funny Quotes Humor / LaughterBlessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be entertained. When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. When humor goes, there goes civilization. If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation,it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself. Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor? I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. Return to Index of Funny Quotes
Legal MattersYou don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in ONE SENTENCE....what it does....it's illegal. Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty. A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. A man may as well open an oyster without a knife, as a lawyer's mouth without a fee. The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing. An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer. A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Money MattersMoney is not the most important thing in the world. Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it. If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. The most popular labor-saving device is still money. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. Return to Index of Funny Quotes There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there. If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits. Gentlemen prefer bonds. We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure. I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon. To make a million, start with $900,000. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist. Be glad that you're greedy; the national economy would collapse if you weren't. The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. Money is something you have to make in case you don't die. Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly. Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. Return to Index of Funny Quotes All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. It's better to give than to lend and it costs about the same. I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire. God damn it, I'm a billionaire. When you've got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow. Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse. They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. Return to Index of Funny Quotes RetirementIt is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. The money's no better in retirement but the hours are! The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did. Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. As in all successful ventures, the foundation of a good retirement is planning. The company gave me an aptitude test and I found out the best work I was best suited for was retirement. Return to Index of Funny Quotes SuccessEagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do. Every employee rises to the level of his own incompetence. The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? Return to Index of Funny Quotes Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss. Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful. You never become a howling success by just howling. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Success means only doing what you do well, letting someone else do the rest. Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Behind every successful man lurks a truly amazed ex-mother-in-law. You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Technology / InnovationFailure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software. A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 3,000 times the memory. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. Return to Index of Funny Quotes Thoughts / Ideas / IntellectThe wheels are turning, but the hamsters are all dead. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’ll get change. Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? Return to Index of Funny Quotes Return to Life Quotes - from Funny Quotes
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The Dash
It's not the date you were born, or the date you died, that really matters. It's "the dash" between those years and what you do with it, to make a difference with your life.
